Marriage Counseling Tip: Get a Vision of What Kind of Communication Skills You Are Seeking
Among marriage counselors there is a wide range of styles, approaches, theologies, and theoretical orientations. Even if we consider only Christian marriage counselors, the choices can be intimidating. On the conservative fundamentalist side there is “nouthetic counseling” developed by Jay Adams. On the other end of the spectrum there are numerous varieties of Christian counseling approaches that simply split off the faith aspect of counseling as being something that is not that relevant to the change process. With such a confusing array of options and methods, it’s important to know how to come out the other side of marriage counseling with better non verbal communication skills and better verbal skills. Ideally, a couple completes marriage counseling knowing how to develop communication skills in an ongoing way. When this is achieved marriage counseling becomes the gift that keeps on giving long after it has ended.
Imagine this scenario a couple is talking at home about the past. “What was the name of that counselor?” The wife replies, “I think it was…” In this case, the couple can barely remember the name of the marriage counselor from years ago, but still enjoys the trajectory of learning how to develop communication skills in their ongoing relationship. Specifically, they know how to talk about their communication process and how it’s going, instead of focusing solely on the issue at hand. In addition, they have learned how to help each other become calm during tense conversations. They know how to relax the moments of adrenalin and anger because their non verbal communication skills have become almost second nature.
How to Develop Communication Skills That Won’t End When the Marriage Counseling Stops
So, if you can come to some agreement on what kind of communication skills you are desiring, then there are steps you can take during the marriage counseling process that might bring benefits for years to come. Here are a few marriage counseling tips for how to develop communication skills during marriage counseling, regardless of the approach of the counselor.
- Tell your spouse after each session that you appreciate his or her willingness to go through this difficult process. Do this even when–especially when–you have an ugly session that leaves you both very upset. Never take it for granted when your spouse is willing to engage in communication with you. Years later you just might be able to thank your spouse after a heated argument. For what? For being willing to roll up their sleaves and attempt to find common ground, whether or not there is success in that particular conversation.
- Look up often during marriage counseling sessions to see your spouse’s face and respond with warmth. When couples sit side-by-side on a couch they can miss the opportunity to develop non verbal communication skills. For example, the eyes of either the wife or the husband may well up with tears and the other one doesn’t even see it. Tears are not call for pity, but a call for becoming synchronized to the emotion of the moment.
- One of the most important ongoing benefits of marriage counseling can be attained with most any marriage counselor. To learn how to develop communication skills for the present and future you must hone in on the skill of doing a little work on a problem and then leaving it. The time structure of a session helps you do this from day 1. You both consciously sit down and attempt to communicate and then stop when the time is up. This is usually unsatisfying, but extremely necessary. Couples who continue the same discussion at home usually get into trouble because each spouse has probably passed his or her threshold for emotional intensity. Learning to start and stop without finishing the argument is an important skill for improving communication. If you learn it well, you may have many years of learning how to work on issues with each other at home using several short (20-30 minutes) conversations. Using this approach between you can avoid many unecessary blowups and helps keep frustrations from building up to a point of explosion.
